How to Know If You Are an Abusive Spouse

How to Know If You Are an Abusive Spouse Relationships Violence and Abuse Print How to Know If You Are an Abusive Spouse By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Updated on January 15, 2020 LWA/Creative RM/Getty Images More in Relationships Violence and Abuse Spouses & Partners LGBTQ You may think that the way you treat or talk to your spouse is normal when in reality it is abusive. Sometimes it is hard to tell if you are, as you may not have the level of insight necessary to figure this out. Or, you may think your behavior is normal because you grew up in a household of abusiveness, dysfunction or negativity. Abuse can occur verbally, mentally, and psychologically.?? It is not just the physical version, also known as domestic violence. Physical abuse may be more obvious, but the other forms of abuse are still very destructive to your marriage. It will undermine the trust, connection, and bond that must exist in your relationship for your marriage to succeed and be healthy.   Questions to Determine If You Are Abusive Towards Your Spouse Did your partner already tell you that you are abusive?Is your spouse afraid of you?Have you ever threatened to kill your spouse?Do you believe that your way is the only way?Have you ever hit, slapped, pushed, pulled hair, or choked your spouse?Do you often feel jealous?Do you believe you have the right to know what your spouse is doing and where your spouse is all the time?Do you call or text your spouse incessantly when he or she is out without you?Do you think of yourself as in charge?Do you enjoy seeing your spouse in pain, crying or hurt?Do you believe your spouse deserves to be hit or yelled at or punished?Do you believe your spouse asked for it?Do you break or destroy your spouses belongings on purpose?Have you ever been arrested for violent behavior?Do others tell you that you have an anger problem?Do others tell you that you seem paranoid?Are you afraid of asking for help because you might lose everything that is important to you?Has your spouse ever tried to leave you?Do yo u think about getting even with your spouse?  Do you twist things around, lie or exaggerate to make your partner doubt him/her self and sense of reality? Has Your Spouse Complained About Any of These Things? Interfering in social relationshipsNot allowing any privacyYou dont open up and/or often shut downWalking on eggshellsToo controllingToo uptightEverything is more peaceful when youre not aroundNot able to spend any money/go out/make plans, etc. without  permissionAlways in a bad moodCritical or complaining about everything What to Do If You Answered Yes If you answered yes to several of these questions, please see a licensed professional counselor or clinical social worker  for counseling. Be honest with the counselor or you will not get the help you need. Your spouse can join you in couples therapy, but only if you have your own counseling individually for a while before and concurrent with the marriage therapy.  Look for an anger management group and read self-help books along with other treatments you are receiving.If you abuse or use drugs or alcohol, you must stop or get help to stop. Drugs and alcohol are undoubtedly making your behavior worse. A 12-step program or similar is a must.  Saying Im sorry isnt enough. It is important that you take complete responsibility for your abusive behavior.   You Must Have Honest self-appraisalA willingness to seek helpThe ability to let go of controlling your spouseA full understanding of why you are abusiveHealing your own past hurts so you do not continue to take it out on othersAppropriate guilt for your behavior and remorse toward your victims for your actions  Full effort and motivation for learning appropriate communication skills, boundaries, and a healthy view of loveSelf-compassion and compassion for your partner